Saturday, May 7, 2011

PETA and the CIA

First of all, hats off to the CIA for a job well done in the recent mission to take down bin Laden. But, after learning
that a group of highly trained seals pulled off the mission I was outraged. The use of animals for warfare is very upsetting
to me and PETA should be all over this. Why haven't they said anything? Not one word! And how do you train a seals to perform
such an act of violence. I have seen them clap, balance a ball, jump through hoops, but this is almost too much to believe.
My first thought was "there's something fishy about this". But after an investigation by the Mr. Metaphor staff I now know
that this kind of animal warfare training has been going on for decades, dating back to WWI and probably long before that.
Dogs, with explosives strapped to them, were trained to sneak under enemy tanks and pull a trigger on the device, and BOOM.
This program was eventually scrapped due to the loyal dogs returning to their masters at the most unfortunate time. After
they had pulled the trigger, and before the bomb exploded, you guessed it.... BOOM. This was also tried with cats, or
should I say, a cat. Apparently, the cat or AED (animal explosive device) gave the CO a "go fuck yourself" look and ran off
in to the woods. Upon capture the cat was dishonorably discharged from military service. I could have told them that cats
have never been very patriotic. Dogs yes, but cats, not so much.
There was some success with the animal warfare program, or AWP. Pigeons are credited with saving the lives of many soldiers at
the Battle of the Buldge. With communications cut off, a pigeon was sent as a messenger by group of soldiers to alert their
command center of their impending doom if help did not arrive soon. The message was received just in the nick of time, and
the soldiers were saved. Dolphins also have been helpful in numerous cases helping seamen adrift in the ocean find safe harbor.
These are true examples where a program like this is worth every penny of the cost. But what is the cost of such a program?
Just think of all the gorilla warfare in the last 50 years. The tactic has been used so much that now we're almost out of
gorillas. Just who came up with this idea anyway? Gorillas are big, clumsy animals. They are not stealth at all. Not to
mention all the banana peels they leave behind for our regular soldiers to slip and fall on. The cost of their slip and fall
injuries must be astronomical.
Now I get why the CIA chose seals when they carried on with the AWP. They're easy to train, sleek, stealthy, and leave very
little behind. All you need is some fish and a hot blonde in a swimsuit to train them, and they'll do anything you ask of them.
I don't know how they trained them to fire weapons, but I probably don't want to know either. You know the old saying "I could
tell you but....". And since it's not politically correct to club a baby seal on the head anymore, there are plenty of patriotic
seals available. So where is PETA with all this going on? I'm not big on conspiracy theories, but in this case there has to
be something going on between PETA and the CIA. I would bet that PETA has known about the AWP since it's inception. PETA's,
that is. Since the AWP was going on before PETA exsisted they must have been aware of this unethical treatment of animals.
The only way any of this makes sense is that PETA is a CIA front. Yes, they are in cahoots. There, I said it. How else can you
explain the in your face headline "Seals Take Down Bin Laden". And what do we do? We sit there and lap it up instead of demanding
that PETA give us all our money back. We may have not lost any seals this time, but what about the next time? So if my fellow
animal lovers out there want to keep giving money to the CIA through PETA, you go right ahead. I, for probably the first time
agree with George Bush. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...uh...uh, we don't get fooled again"!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Fish Story

by Mr. Metaphor
Paul Simon once wrote in a song called "The Boxer" that "a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest. Back then it didn't mean too much to me .But now I think of those lyrics almost every morning as I'm watching C-Span. I'm always amazed,but mostly amused,at the wacky people who call in to Washington Journal. The way they twist and warp news that has found it's way to their ears is sometimes better than a SNL skit,but of course, that's not saying much these days. Remember when Sarah Palin said she could see Russia from her house? Well, she never said that. Tina Fey said that! It's the new wave fish story that's sweeping the nation .Hear what you want to hear and screw everything else. To hell with the truth,facts,history and all that shit. We don't want to hear it!
In today's world, information is everywhere. Sorta,kinda. The one nut that information can't seem to crack is the human skull. Why can't we absorb truths and facts when we know them to be absolute? We all know about the Gulf of Tonkin thing that never happened. WMD's? Not! O'Reilly is gay. I'm Jesus come to save us all. And so on. The old saying "ignorance is bliss" is one of my favorites. There are things we don't want to know. We're better off. Why shouldn't we want to live in bliss? Nirvana. Who wouldn't want to live in Stepford? Okay,maybe not you women out there. But us guys,hell yeah! I sometimes wish I could turn off this sponge I have for a brain. Eliminate the need for all the alcohol and pharmaceuticals. Not to mention all the money I spend on pot. Wouldn't it be nice?
I guess we really can't handle the truth. That has to be the answer. We have a built in defense mechanism we're all born with, that filters what we want to know, and what we disregard,so we can be happy and righteous. You want to be happy,don't you? You certainly want to be right. I hate to be wrong. It pisses me off. And if all this is true, I think my filter is dirty or needs to be replaced. I know this because I seem to be right "most"of the time. And that has to be wrong. And why would I even need the aboved mentioned substances to be happy? Maybe I should quit watching C-Span in the morning. Or maybe I should start my substance abuse when I roll out of bed. Either way,I need some freakin' bliss!
Now that I have your attention, I'd like to ask you all to play a game with me. Send this article to some of your friends and ask them what it's about. I bet you'll hear all sorts of wacky stuff. They'll even spout things that have nothing to do with this subject. Why? Because they hear what they want to hear and disregard the rest. And if you take nothing else from this piece,there's one thing you're sure to remember. Trust me. He's gay!

Terrorists & Ants

March, 2002
by Mr. Metaphor

With all the talk of terrorists in the last year, I couldn’t help but think about how small we all are. We can shout at the top of our lungs and it only has meaning for those who are willing to listen or capable of listening. Most of the things that humans shout have no meaning at all for the rest of life on earth. In our arrogance, we just assume that what we say goes. The same applies to the government’s approach to terrorists. The problem is that terrorists are like ants. Can you really get rid of ants?
Last summer I moved to a small house in the country near Leipers Fork,Tn. Being a country boy, I was familiar with most of the creatures that inhabit the woods and structures on the property. I began exterminating the insects in and around the house. I soon had the situation under control, or so I thought. I noticed that most of the insects had disappeared with the exception of one species. Ants! At first there wasn’t very many. Not any more than you would normally see. But after returning from a short vacation, they seemed to have moved back in. My first instinct was the same as any male. THIS MEANS WAR!
I drove down to the local home improvement store and loaded up with all kinds of good stuff. All the way home, I’m thinking to myself “I’m gonna kill these motherfuckers”. It was like being a kid again. Playing army in the yard with my brothers. Only this time I must surely have the advantage. I mean, look at them. they’re so little. I’ll just squash the livin’ shit out of them and be done with it. And so the battle began.
In the beginning things looked real good for the good guys (o.k., me). I was squirting stuff, spreading stuff, smashing stuff, and even dropped a few bombs. I was feeling like a real bad ass. Arnold, Sly, Jean Claude, Ted. After the first wave of shelling, it looked like bad news for the ant world. For days there was not an ant in sight. Then days turned into weeks , with only a few stragglers hobbling around. I guess I showed them. They won’t be bothering me anymore. I even bragged to the wife “Look honey, the ants are gone“. Or, are they?
While I was waging my own little war I became interested in these creatures. Even I know that you should “know your enemy”. We all know the basics about ants, but most of us have very little understanding of them. What’s with this queen thing? How many queens are there? How many ants in a colony? How many colonies are in my freakin’ yard? I became obsessed. I needed answers. and where can you find answers? College boys. Yes, that's right. People who actually study ants and like it! I began contacting some of these brilliant ant studiers, and started to get answers to my ant questions. And boy was I happy about that! They filled my head with all sorts of things. What to do to get rid of them. What not to do. Uh,oh, What not to do? Oh crap! Could it be that I miscalculated in my zeal to wage war upon the poor ants? After all, I was pretty pissed off. They did invade my territory. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time. It seemed like such a simple war.
After a few consultations with my ant guru it became apparent that I not only didn’t get rid of the ants, I probably created a “super colony”. bigger, better and even more well equipped to defend themselves against any enemy. I had not been sneaky enough. The old “revenge is a dish best served cold” thing. And even if I managed to kill a queen or two, there will always be a princess in the wings waiting for her day to rule. She will have many followers and they will do whatever it takes to defend the colony and keep the species alive. And now, I’m beginning to understand.
And so I’ve learned a valuable lesson or two about what you can do for real vs. what is not reality. In today's world the sound bite has taken control. When our leaders speak it is not even their own words that come out of their mouths. So why bother listening. No, I don’t have a solution to terrorism, but I’m not trying to sell you one either. A lack of understanding and patience is a dangerous thing. The road to true “freedom” is paved with blood. Be united if you feel the need. But to be on the safe side you had better be prepared to die.