First of all, hats off to the CIA for a job well done in the recent mission to take down bin Laden. But, after learning
that a group of highly trained seals pulled off the mission I was outraged. The use of animals for warfare is very upsetting
to me and PETA should be all over this. Why haven't they said anything? Not one word! And how do you train a seals to perform
such an act of violence. I have seen them clap, balance a ball, jump through hoops, but this is almost too much to believe.
My first thought was "there's something fishy about this". But after an investigation by the Mr. Metaphor staff I now know
that this kind of animal warfare training has been going on for decades, dating back to WWI and probably long before that.
Dogs, with explosives strapped to them, were trained to sneak under enemy tanks and pull a trigger on the device, and BOOM.
This program was eventually scrapped due to the loyal dogs returning to their masters at the most unfortunate time. After
they had pulled the trigger, and before the bomb exploded, you guessed it.... BOOM. This was also tried with cats, or
should I say, a cat. Apparently, the cat or AED (animal explosive device) gave the CO a "go fuck yourself" look and ran off
in to the woods. Upon capture the cat was dishonorably discharged from military service. I could have told them that cats
have never been very patriotic. Dogs yes, but cats, not so much.
There was some success with the animal warfare program, or AWP. Pigeons are credited with saving the lives of many soldiers at
the Battle of the Buldge. With communications cut off, a pigeon was sent as a messenger by group of soldiers to alert their
command center of their impending doom if help did not arrive soon. The message was received just in the nick of time, and
the soldiers were saved. Dolphins also have been helpful in numerous cases helping seamen adrift in the ocean find safe harbor.
These are true examples where a program like this is worth every penny of the cost. But what is the cost of such a program?
Just think of all the gorilla warfare in the last 50 years. The tactic has been used so much that now we're almost out of
gorillas. Just who came up with this idea anyway? Gorillas are big, clumsy animals. They are not stealth at all. Not to
mention all the banana peels they leave behind for our regular soldiers to slip and fall on. The cost of their slip and fall
injuries must be astronomical.
Now I get why the CIA chose seals when they carried on with the AWP. They're easy to train, sleek, stealthy, and leave very
little behind. All you need is some fish and a hot blonde in a swimsuit to train them, and they'll do anything you ask of them.
I don't know how they trained them to fire weapons, but I probably don't want to know either. You know the old saying "I could
tell you but....". And since it's not politically correct to club a baby seal on the head anymore, there are plenty of patriotic
seals available. So where is PETA with all this going on? I'm not big on conspiracy theories, but in this case there has to
be something going on between PETA and the CIA. I would bet that PETA has known about the AWP since it's inception. PETA's,
that is. Since the AWP was going on before PETA exsisted they must have been aware of this unethical treatment of animals.
The only way any of this makes sense is that PETA is a CIA front. Yes, they are in cahoots. There, I said it. How else can you
explain the in your face headline "Seals Take Down Bin Laden". And what do we do? We sit there and lap it up instead of demanding
that PETA give us all our money back. We may have not lost any seals this time, but what about the next time? So if my fellow
animal lovers out there want to keep giving money to the CIA through PETA, you go right ahead. I, for probably the first time
agree with George Bush. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...uh...uh, we don't get fooled again"!
